Break My Smile, Break My Dreams, Just dont BREAK MY HEART
i thought that moving out was supposed to be enjoyable...   
03:22pm 27/10/2010
  well i guess maybe it doesnt feel like home yet because none of my stuff is here. you ask me why im not helping you or why im just sitting here doing nothing. but its like well ive unpacked your stuff all day... and ive pretty much been in tears the entire time because i dont feel like any of this is mine... that its all of your stuff and im just living here. i want to smile and laugh so bad... but watching you get to have all the fun is kinda getting old... but ill just stay here and make myself happy.. im going to cook dinner in MY new kitchen tonight i really dont care about much else right now... this is what i have been looking forward to.. <3  
break a heart
11:33pm 23/03/2010
  So I guess I dnt know how to feel now tht you don't have for me anymore. I thought we had something special but I guess I was wrong because its like I dnt exsist to you anymore. I wish I could go back to curling up in ur arms and crawling onto lap and getting all comfy and cosy knowing tht I was all you needed. But I'm not anymore. I hate how I sit in ur room alone holdiing the snake I bought you and you and ur cousin walk in and all of the sudden I have to share the bed which is already too small and turn off my music because ur cousin doesn't like it. I like country music. I dnt care what anyone else says its means something more than me. When I lived with matt it was more like a lifestyle. Its simplicity. Iwant that. That's why I want to marry a cowboy because I want a simple life like that.  
break a heart
not myself...   
07:09pm 28/02/2010
  So I have to start going to work. I'm so broke and I'm prolly gonna be written up... but I have plenty of time to make up hrs this week because I don't have school Tuesday.. not like I ever rly go anyways... I'm getting really pissed off because I can't even post on my facebook without someone saying something to my mom. I'm about to start another one and. Not tll anyone in my family so I just have a facebook thts just mine... I don't like not being like myself.. its really scary... <3  
break a heart
08:47pm 20/02/2010
  if i didnt have to leave the dance studio wouldnt be doing half the stuff i do now. i would rather have stayed at a job that i hated.. dancing at night and being able to see my friends and watching little girls grow up. than being going back to school... working at a job that pays me well that i never go to.. and having to sacrifice the one thing that didnt make a difference to me. to be completely honest with you. my mom made mention a few years ago when i wasnt going to the CIA that my cousin was looking for an in home nanny and my aunt suggested to my mother that she offer the job to me.. i told my mother that i didnt want to go because that would mean that i would have to leave dance.. my mom got upset that it was dance that made me stay not the fact that i was going to school and was going to miss my family. but i think that if i got that offer right now i would be up and out a half an hour ago..

there are definitly times where all i want to do is pick up and leave.. but #1 i dont have any moneyand #2 i would have no place to stay. i think thats why i admire alex so much. hes just up and left on several occasions i want to do that i want to just get up and pick a place to stay. i mean im sure that i could go and live with once of my cousins.. but for the most part. i wouldnt have any money and dont think that i could free load for very long. but i think that would be a god time. start stock pilling away money and just pack the things that are important to me my culinary kit uniforms and just start finding jobs around america. make friends stay with them.. but just cook my way through life.. and cake decorate through an entire journey.... just thinking about it is givng me goose bumps.. i really think that if i put my mind to it i could totally pull it off.. i mean it would be hard to walk away from my family.. but i mean who says that i could never come home. i want to make my own story.. do something thats worth saying is done. <3

"its your life what you gonna do? the world is watching you every days the choices you make..."

<3 [adventures]
break a heart
the hearth of life isnt good john mayer   
01:06pm 06/02/2010
  seriously why cant i just be happy with life and eveyrthing that tends to happen. i answered my phone from rob today to hear the end of the conversation with his friend ben.. "yeah im raelly not interested in dating her..." yeah well fuck you too. after spending the last 40 days and nights with you i hear that. and then you think that im gonna come and watch ou play hockey? yeah right not to mention that i cant even kidd you or hug you because tis gonna freak linda out. yeah you guys are totally not over each other. so these are my kind words to you robert david schneeweiss... im done im not gonna let happen between me and dave happen to you and me. im not gonna be anyones puppet and i wont sit and let someone break my heart. fuck you. im not gonna let you walk all over me and everything that youve ever told me is just a lie... and i think that that hurts more than anything. so good luck in your tournie today fuck off..

right now all i want to do is blast my music and spend the day crying in a dark room wit my blankets over my head. i hate being so gullible as to believe that a guy could actually think that i was worth while. <3
break a heart
<3 <3   
09:30pm 29/01/2010
  so i want to be rich. i want you and me to live in a house thats so big that there could be a whole other person living there and we wouldnt even know it. but i also want the simple life. i want a fairy tale. i want the fantasies in my head to come true i want you too know me so well that you can just look at me and know what im thinking.. just thinking about what we could be drives me crazy, or at least what i want. i dont know im so upset right now probably for no reason. its been like that alot lately and its really scary. the only thing that makes me smile is being in lab. i wish that i could do that everyday. i really want to own my own business and be really rich. i want to offer something no one else has i want to go to work in the morning i want to have employees that love me and i want to have a big family.. i want to go to work in the morning and love my job. i want to come home exhausted from a long day to a house that i love and that i work hard for. i want to come home to a house that i work hard for and i want to come home to the man i love. i want to come home to a smile and flowers sitting on the table. i want to be with some hopeless romantic like me. one of the only guys that i can honestly say that i could have loved and and that gave me the butterflies beyond belief was timmy. one of the guys that i met when i was on the cruise. it was such a fairy tale. come to find later that he actually started to fall for me. its just really idk. whatever i guess.. i mean i hope that my destiny takes me where i want to go. if not im really not sure where ill end up. but then again who ever really knows where they were gonna end. if we all knew then i guess there would be no point of living. <3 <3

everybody's just a stranger but thats the danger of [going my own way]
break a heart
but when my lonliness is thru im gonna find another you. <3 <3   
12:33pm 28/01/2010
  so im yet again lost in my choice of boys. dave has decided that he wants to let people in. he calls me a toy maker. "you've done it again, your like a toymaker. people give you their broken toys and you fix em, and play with em a little, but then you gotta give em back" so what the fuck is that supposed to me.. this is what he said in response "it means i actually give a shit about stuff again, like people but with the way things are it looks like ill be someone elses treasure." and i wish i would have said just go. because i have something good going with rob. but at the same time. i mean i guess i really dont know. i like the way that rob treats me. but im a little more comfortable with dave. this is just such a cluster fuck. i guess i could just play up both sides for a while and see where it gets me. but that usually ends in a huge mess.. my family doesnt like him. my friends dont like him. everyone things that dave is just a huge douchebag. but i like going out with him. i have fun with him. and then theres rob. all of my friends like rob well for the most part there are bits and pieces that they wish wouldnt have rubbed off onto me. but thats really not up for discussion. when i wake up in the morning robs there to call me baby and to pull me closer so that im not cold. he sets his alarm and he looks out for me. i guess i cant quite compare apples and oranges but at the same time. they are both fruits. so they have a few things in common. i mean maybe its because they are 4 years apart in age and 4 years can be alot. but then me and dave are 4 years apart and i think that i conduct myself better than he does. and rob and i are 8 years apart and rob is little more grown up than i am.

its been really difficult to look at my friends the same way lately. ive changed and they have just been stuck in the bubble that i was in for 7 years when we first met and started to become close friends. and now that i look at it. i mean i kinda miss that bubble. we were self sufficient and like our own little world that no one else understood. and now i feel like im translating for everyone else.

i dont want to "fix" anyone anymore. i wish someone would do for me what i do for them. but that really not happening and i dont think that it will anytime soon. i dont like people to see my weakness.. but at the same time. i want everyone to see that im hurting. i want the sympathy and attention but i also want people to see how strong i am.

ive been staying with alex and rob for like the past 10 days. and thers a part of me that wishes alex would get the job in albany and move away. because i need to get back to real life. not this silly life that im living. im done with fun and games. i need to get serious and start thinking about myself. and my future. i cant punch out and bail out on everything just because im lazy. it wont get me anywhere.

so i guess when it comes down to it. i want what i cant have. i can have what i dont want. and worse yet i dont know what i want. so as i previously stated. this is just one huge clusterfuck... <3 <3

[in repair] im not together but im getting there....
break a heart
[in repair] were not together but were getting there.   
11:56pm 26/01/2010
  i think that i can represent myself better as a person but ive been letting myself totally slip. i dont know what exactly is going on but i have been having break down anxiety attacks every time its time for me to go to school. i dont like it what so ever and even worse yet i dont know how to stop it. its really scary for me to just sit down and watch myself get screwed up by my own brain. there are times where i wish that i could just shut everything life take things over so that i can just lay in my bed for days upon end. i know that it really wouldnt do my any good. but nothing right now has been doing me any good. i still havent been home in like 10 days. ive been staying with rob and his cousin alex and then mark seems to be coming over every night. they are my boys though and i love them all.. they take care of me really well and make sure that the douche bags stay away from me. i could see the 4 of us living together if rob buys the house. but there's just something about rob that still makes me uneast about him. hes sorta like dave in a way. caught between wanting a girl there to cuddle and a girl there so be your girlfriend. and that the thing that really sucks. i havent seen dave since the night that he showed up at the bar and we hardly talked then. so i guess im still trying to get used to ot having him around. but at the same time i miss him. im sure he was more of a detriment than anything. but i suppose all good things most come to an end. and as trisha says people are in your life for a reason and for a season. i guess i just have to decide who when and why.. which is a task that isnt always easy to reach. well i should go to bed so that i can actually get up for lab in the morning. <3  
break a heart
11:40pm 23/01/2010
  so ive really not been myself lately. im really not too sure whats going on but im doing things that i would not normally do that could really effect my life. so dave is sorta on the outs but im really not too sure if even he knows that. i dont want to burn any bridges i have issues with change because not every thing feels right right away. i know that i want to be successful in life and actually do something with my life. i kinda almost want to start to write a book about experiencing things that arent always so nice. like a journal that i could pass to girls or people in need who can read all the truths behind things. almost like julie and julia except i wouldnt blog about it because i wouldnt want people to know who i was. i would change names and i think that it would be a pretty sweet thing. i want people to hear my voice i want people to experience my true thoughts. but i doubt i would be able to get something like that published. but you know what i would get it bound and it would sit on my shelves so that my grandchilrden could go back and look at it. i love like the 20s and into the 30s. like the struggle that women had to go through in order to make it where they were today. the whole drawing lines on the backs of their legs with marker to look like they were wearing stockings. i almost want to get a tattoo on the womens struggle.. i think that it would be cute. maybe ill get a pin up girl on my ribs. idk yet.. i was thinkin like a rosie the riveter i think that it would be really cute.. so it doesnt feel like a saturday. i have to go to the mall in a minute to see if i can find a scale for class on monday.. but i think that im gonna start my journal. like my real journal where the words that will flow through my finger tips will be magical in some way. either or just proof that im crazy at some point in my mothers life when she finds out what im really writing or anyone for the matter of fact. because i really dont think that it would be beneficial to any part of my life. im bound and determined ti be beautiful no matter what it takes. and i think that could be a bad thing. idk.. i just think that i see myself more beautiful that i really am and thats not always a good thing. because then when i look in the mirror and i see this... grosss......
2 broken hearts break a heart
01:24pm 22/12/2009
  i never thought that i would one of those people. but the adrenaline rush that gets released soothes my anger.. and im not sure if its all in my head or what. and i used to be happy all the time and now i feel like i can never get to what i used to be. i mean i can put on a fake smile and get through the day without anyone asking questions but i always feel like im under the watchful eye. we learned that schizophrenia runs in families. and if your in one of those families you never know whats gonna set it off. my uncle is schizophrenic... that means it runs in my family and who knows its just a ticking time bomb.. what if something sets it off.. what if i become schizophrenic.. i mean not saying its a horrible thing.. but at the same time it is. i saw what it did to my uncle and how you pretty much have to walk on egg shells around him. i dont want that to be me. i mean what if thats why i feel like him and i have a bond when i never talk to him and out of all his nieces im one that knows him the least.. what if im destined to have it and thats like my sign.. maybe im just over thinking everythiing like i always do.

either way i just wish that christmas would glide over my house without effecting anything.. fat chance huh.. i dont know why im not excited.. theres always been a little kid inside of me.. and im almost sure that all the clothes that people got me wont fit.. oh well guess i really will have to hit the gym..

i can feel my anxiety levels rising and i just want them to go away. i dont want to worry about anything anymore.. <3
break a heart
01:32pm 16/12/2009
  i wish that our feelings matched because watching you have fun with your friends on the other side of the world is killing me. you said that when you came home that we could try again and that the last time we left each other wasnt the right time to date because there was too much going on. i really hope that you mean what you say because unfortunately my heart has already made up its mind. you were always one of the best guys for me no matter how my family felt about things. i wish you would tell me how you really felt if you really think there is chance to get back together because of the fact that it took me forever to get over you the first time and if i have to do it again i dont know if i can handle that. just tell me that everything is gonna be okay and hold me close to your heart like you used to.. <3  
break a heart
04:10pm 14/12/2009
  im highly upset with myself lately. ive gained 12 pounds. im more that 25% overweight. thats pretty depressing.. i used to be confident with the way that i looked a year ago when i first started to date roe.. well obviously sometime between then and now something changed. and i need to go back to that confident girl that i was then. ive been sitting online all day lookin at the best way to go about losing weight and things like that.. and i think ive done okay.. but at the same time.. i know that its not gonna work.. i want to lose like 25 pounds by my birthday and i think thats healthy thats like less that 5 pounds a month.. but right about now i would do just about anything to lose weight.. i dont care if its healthy or not. if i could just get where i wanted to be i could maintain.. but its getting there that the issue.. i think that if i had someone to do it with and push me that i could do it. i cant wait to get back to dance next year because its what really helped me to manage what i needed to accomplish. its just so frustrating. i cant write anymore the more i write the more upset i get..  
break a heart
all i want for christmas... <3   
10:48am 10/12/2009
  yup time to break down and cry. i cant wait until my money goes through for my direct deposit. i have negetive money.. i keep track of everything.. well i guess not fucking service charges.. im gonna see if i can switch my bank account so that i have overdraft protection because i cant go through this bullshit of having to pay $125 in service charge fees for going over by like .01.. its just retarded.. so after my money goes in.. hopefully by like midnight tonight ish. that i can rest assured that everything is okay. i fucking hate life again. seriously if one more thing goes wrong today im gonna cry. like i know if theres a test in my vinitculture class im gonna fail it because of the fact that i didnt study and i didnt know.. and its just fucking retarded why does life have to hate me so much.. my anxieties are now through the roof because soon ill have a speeding ticket to pay for and christmas and pay my mother rent and my father money that i already owe him which just keeps building up.. my credit card.. all i want for christmas is to owe no one.. clear my debts thank you and good night.. but thats merely impossible to do. ive built up like $1000 and totally forgot about my december phone bill payment.. im just gonna have to budget every little last penny this month.. oh yeah and my moms birthday.. how did i get so behind.. what the fuck am i doing. i shouldnt be going to attica tomorrow i should be working to make up the days that i retardedly got off for my schedule last weekend.. fuck my life seriously.. thats all i have to say is fuck my life.. between slow drivers making me late to school this morning and money.. my life can pretty much be over come tomorrow.. ill be okay with it... no more snow.. no more cold.. no more school.. no more nothing.. i just cant wait until this is all over.. i bet yu know what im gonna be doing during my vinitculture class... trying to figure out where every last penny is going. <3 life is my enemy...  
break a heart
02:20pm 05/12/2009
  if theres any one thing that ive found over the years that im good at... its making people mad at me and making constant mistakes.

i suppose that i shouldnt have gone out with dave last night because it made my entire life crumble. he was acting like a total asshole but at the same time it worked out to my advantage to some extent because pretty much everyone at the bar was on my side. they all pretty much said that i was blessed for being and having so much patience. thats one reason why i like being around the older generation (thats not my parents) because of the fact that they seem to understand be better than people my age. from the things that they were telling me last night i dont think i have much to worry about in life because im gonna find someone great because im a great girl.. although i find it rather strange that everyone pins me between the ages of 24-26 i guess its the way that i carry myself. but it does make me feel better than pretty much everyone there sees the fact that i am a great girl and didnt hesitate to tell me. dave acted like a total jerk because he was cranky and then texted me this morning and told me that i made him out to be an asshole when i didnt have to because he did it all on his own.. pretty depressing if you ask me. but my mom now hates dave because she thinks that im too nice to him and he does nothing for me and doesnt appreciate me and pretty much raised me to not get walked all over and she wanted me to come home at like 2*30 and i waited for dave to be ready and she didnt like that and then pulled the whole "your choosing a boy over me" bullshit. when she knows thats not the case. i hate it when my moms mad at me. i want to live by myself but at the same time i dont. i want to have my freedom to do what i want but i know thats never gonna happen. i know exactly what shes gonna do. shes gonna be all huffin and puffin and then tell me that she never sees me.. i would rather wait until everything is over and shes done being mad at me. and then on the phone last night she told me that my 21st birthday was gonna be non exsistant and im gonna be really pissed off if thats the case because i havent had a birthday party since i was like 13 or whatever and lexi and cydney got bunches.. i hate being the youngest because i always get shorted.

so im gonna go to the studio tonight and have fun with the little kids that i havent seen in forever. i hope that i dont have to go caroling because its prolly gonna be really cold outside and im really no in the mood to be not really even in the mood to get dressed. i know that im gonna be sitting on the floor and thats really not that comfortable. i think maybe ill wear leggings or something because right now thats like the most comfortable thing that i own.

so yeah i think that life is getting a little better.. i think that everything with dave is either like a hit or a miss it just depends on what type of mood that i catch him in.. hes so confusing and its always really hard to figure out what exactly he wants from me. im not about to give him everything and ive been better about not letting him get to me. i will agree that hes definitely brought alot of light AND darkness into my life.. i have a new appreciation for college football and drinking.. i guess when it comes down to it.. ill still always have a crush on him until i think i get with him.. but that will never happen so ill just have to find someone better.. <3
2 broken hearts break a heart
11:50am 03/12/2009
  so im so bored.. im sitting at school waiting for the semester to end i really cant wait. im counting down to the hours and seconds. it cant come soon enough. i just want it to be over so that i can get some of my life back on track but right now all i can concentrate on is the end of the semester and whether my grades are gonna be sufficient enough to please my father. i hope that the answer is yes because i dont feel like hearing him bitch and complain about how im wasting his money.

so ive tried to put space between me and dave and its sorta working. i mean im still not sure if i should care about him to please him and show him that no matter what im still gonna be here and im not gonna walk out on him like all the other girls and risk the fact that hes just using me or if i should forget about him and totally ignore his exsistance because of the fact that he still doesnt know what he wants and risk losing him completely. guys suck they just cant tell you straight out what they want. they keep you as a "backup" in case something else doesnt work out. made me really nervous because all of the sudden hes been talking with his ex and hanging out with his old friends which means hes most likely gonna go back to his old ways and all of the sudden the world is great and everything is fantastic. i think i know him a little too well or maybe im just reading too deep into things. i know that he has sex with his ex like a month or so ago but she felt guilty but whos to say that it wont happen again. i mean i guess what i dont know wont hurt me but when he acts differently for no reason then my mind is left wandering. i know that on occasion they talk about me and make fun of me and my youth.. but i cant help that. i guess im still a little too juvinile. i knew that the start of this job would slowly start our deteriation. i wonder what things would be like if they just kept how they were. but i guess theres no way to find out. i cant be too close but i cant be too far. its so hard to find that middle ground with him. everything used to be great and now hes just doing whatever he wants. and when i ask him what im supposed to do he tells me to do me.. but i am.. UGH guys are way to complicated. i guess if i really want theres guys at work but i mean i think that most of them think that im this huge airhead because thats how i guess i tend to come off. but im not that way. or at least i dont think that i am. im an intelligent girl. i just need to find a way to show everyone. theres a supe at work who ive been flirting with. and he seems like hes into me but that could cause some major issues. i think that i would have to try and keep everything under wraps if anything happened between him and i. but hes shorter than me.. by like an entire head and i like to wear heels so i dont know if i could go for that. thats like my only issue with him. i mean i dont care that hes 29 and still lives with his parents.. i mean i dont think that i do. maybe ill just try it out and see what happens, i mean you never know what you might find in the deep dark hallows of a person.

so i got a speeding ticket on thanksgiving.. 87 in a 65 im a huge retard. now i have like huge anxieties building up inside because i have to remember to mail in my ticket then go to court and then after all of that i will have to pay a fine and most likely go to driving school. hoping that none of this cuts into my work or school schedule.. fat change huh? guess i should have been more careful. i know ill speed again but for the most part i try to stay within 15 miles of the speed limit.. not 22..

so im excited to have off for 4 days but im really not sure what im gonna do with my time. i kinda wish that i could spend it working because of the fact that if im not working im most likely spending money. and then i dont have money for christmas and thats not smart. but i will most likely end up going to the mall tomorrow with leann before that heading to the studio to do some bar work to strengthen my knee and then to toms at night for some partying.. and hopefully the gym thrown in there somewhere. and at some point this weekend watch a movie or something with smidge and maybe get taken out to dinner but who really knows.

well i guess thats all i have for now. <3
break a heart
maybe i should just stick with my own kind..   
11:08pm 23/11/2009
  i hate sitting here and waiting for things to happen for me to be your slave and do whatever you want me to do like your little puppet and then watch you drive away to meet up with your friends.. thats not fun for me and i dont know which part of you thinks that its okay for that to happen. maybe because i let it happen. maybe your not any better then the rest of them. maybe your just on the same playing field but your scars are left underneath. the ones that are worse than the physical ones.. because they are the ones that are left unseen by others only known to me and you. so does that make you any better.. sayin that you build me up to help me like myself better.. well i dont like myself any better than i did before. im still attracted to people who are destructive to me whether its inside or out. because you both can sit back and look at me and tell me the same exact thing.. all of you can. you can look into my eyes and tell me things and like a fool i continue to believe them. maybe your not any better than the one who beat me or the one who ignores me. you use me for your own pleasure and you go off galivanting. you tell me your "different" because you care.. well you dont care. you couldnt careless because of the fact that you cant see passed to who you really are. a loser. a loser who lies and cheats. i know that you slept with her and i think that you know that i know because i keep on pretending like it didnt even happen because thats what you want. and i do what you want in hopes that someday youll open your eyes and see what you hold in your arms on certain nights... and take out for expensive dinners every once in a while. i would rather hear the endless thank yous come out of your mouth then some sloppy friday night any day.. but i wont ever hear that out of your mouth. your thank yous are spoken in your own words with your own ways. and im not sure if i should appreciate that more?

i guess im still trying to figure my own life out. and with you in it it just makes it that much more complicated. i dont want to turn you away because some of the times that we share are irrplaceable.. i cant help but always think about running in the rain and all the butterflies that we shared.. and it was the greatest thing in the entire world. i guess that you did that for me. but i can tell that you dont feel the same way. i miss when we used to wrestle and when you used to pull me close in the morning. those ideas of what we used to be will never leave my head. and i thank you for rising my standards for the next guy that walks into my life but i will never be able to fully let you go. but maybe thats what i need to do. because this isnt going anywhere. i just want to spend time with you and with only you like we used to.. but i dont know if youll ever let those times come back... <3
2 broken hearts break a heart
12:03am 23/11/2009
  im sitting here and talking to you and i cant stand the double standards that you set. you drive me insane. i cant stand the way that you look at life. i dont want anything to do with you. you bring me happiness and pain.. and at the same time i cant get enough of it. youve totally changed.. i just wanna sit here and cry.. you have all this compassion for everyone else. but you cant break down your walls or anything. and i sit here.. pretty much in tears because im really not sure what to make of it or how to make anything of it. i want to be with you no matter what it takes. and ive made that quite obvious by doing things for you and givng you my time and all my energy. and you repay me by telling me that you forced to do it. that your trapped.. i dont want you to feel trapped i want you to want to be with me. and it kills me that you feel that way. i just want the summer back. i want to be back laying on the porch and running in the rain. i want to watch the light bounce off the river and sit in your backyard while your dog goes crazy running wild. i want you to miss me and wonder what im doing and i want you to look at me like the world lives in my eyes. i hate the point where i cant get to you i cant reach you cause you wont let me and no matter how i try i cant do it anyways. thats why i never go for guys like you.. because when i go for guys that dont deserve me its because of the fact that i know how to get to them. even though they control me and i let them.. i can get to them if i really wanted to but i dont see anything wrong with what they do. im okay with settling and i know that i shouldnt be but i am. its a pretty depressing thing not caring that your treated like crap but at least i have a say in something at some point and at times they actually give a shit about what i have to say at times. you dont even listen to me when i talk to you. you just sit there and click away on your phone like tomorrow is just another day and whatever it doesnt matter when or how it comes its just something that inevitable. i hate that about you.

and then you tell me how you learned from me and i like you all over again. im riding the emotion roller coaster like i did with him and it wasnt healthy for me before. i want you to want me. but im not sure if thats possible anymore.
break a heart
06:56pm 11/07/2009
mood: fuck you
i can honestly say.. your an Ignorant Fuck Head.. im not about to hold back anymore.. if you dont want people to "know our busniess" maybe you should stop being an asshole and treating me like shit... all i asked you to do was to help me take back my bottles and you cant even lift your head off the fucking pillow to make thigs easier for me. cause lemme tell ya working MAYBE an 8 hour day ( with a 30 min break) and going to darien lake all day today is SOOOO much harder than working 37 hours in the past three days ( the amount you probably worked all week) at 2 jobs not even counting the rest of my hours from my other job.. im glad that your so exhausted that you need to take a nap.. but my job isnt hard.. the phyical labor of lifting heavy hot boxes filled to the brim with food thats leaking down your leg isnt stressful to the muscles or my bad knee..and making sure that all 6 catering jobs that all have to be out of the small ass kitchen with little to no counter space available within 10 minutes of each other that you are fully responsible for.. yeah thats not mentally stressful because of the fact one fuck up and your screwed... its a train wreck a domino effect for the rest of the day.. you dont give a shit about our relationship.. whatever i dont care if you read this and get mad because im gonna deal with shit the way i want to. youllg et over it.. you dont work towards anything... you dont try to make anything easier for me. your too selfish to be in a relationship.. i should have recognized that before.. but i didnt.. you better fidn a way to make this up to me because im sick of all the bullshit you feed me... sleep in your bed go ahead... but dont except me to be here waiting for you when your ready to try in a relationship again.. im constantly asked how i can deal with you because if it were anyone else i know they would have dropped you the first time you pulled all this bullshit.. i dont know any other girl that could be this patient with you.. you Ignorant Fuck Head. i have enough to worry about in theses next 5 days..l. but you cant do anything to help me out.. why? because you say i dont do anything to make anything easier for you.. well if you gave me the chance i would prove you wrong.. but according to you, you dont have faith in me... real great thing to tell someone you "love" well i have something to tell you... keep acting like this and my feelings for you just might chage real fast... my patience has been out for a while... and im not about to gain anything back soon... go ahead fuck with me before my surgery.. maybe ill drop your ass within these next 5 days and have a new beginning after my surgery... im a great girl and im not gonna let an IFH like you ruin me for guys that are willing to try and be with me and not treat me lie the gum stuck to your shoe like gum at an amusment park... <3
break a heart
the hint of these new tears are sharp... but its useless   
05:44pm 01/07/2009
  it doesnt matter how hard i try because no matter what ill always be number two ever if you dont admit it.. its a never ending losing battle with you.. always... i guess i should be happy and satisfied that you want anything at all to do with me. i guess im always asking too much.... the ability to be loved and cared about the ability to be trusted and held.. it all doesnt matter anymore because its always all been thrown out the window.. you say that i dont change that i dont sacrifice anything but tis because you cant open your eyes to wahts really going on.. i guess im just the pathetic loser to still think that this broken record can get fixed... you tell me to look for the sunny days and rainbows amongst all of my dark clouds and thunder storms but im pretty sure that the neglectful behavior you show towards me doesnt quite help the extenuating situation.

no matter which way you look at it love and trust go hand in hand.. if you dont have one the other cannot survive.. but i guess sometimes the depth of each noun is too much for one soul to truely handle.. just like the pair inorder to accomplish them two is needed... equals.. not one.. theres that number again.. two.. two words.. two people.. two souls... and yet they have to strive for one thing... so which is it.. cause now im left confused in my own words. and yet again unsure how to hand this one extenuating circumstance.

i remember a time where i could show you everything... where it was okay to be young and stupid and juvenile.. but those days are over... there once was a time where falling into you was okay.. but now im only allowed to be strong for myself because "im not used to being alone and when i am its really alone" or something along those lines. i dont want to be strong for myself im sick of being strong for myself.. its too much to handle and im sick of looking like a pathetic moron because when i expect you to be there you pretty much look at me in that light.. the thing that kills me is that i know that im an intellegent girl and all i can do believe the lies you tell me. im a great girl but for some reason i think that all i deserve is the wretched treatment from you. maybe its the teeter totter in my mind trying to balance what i really think of me.. whether i really do think that im a great girl and i deserve to be treated like a princess vs thinking that i should settle for what ever i get because it wont ever get any better.. and i think more of myself than i really should.

living in my mind is to extreme. im not sure how to escape it anymore. the thoughts are too intesnse and too chaotically profound contradicting... i want to be alone to wallwo in my self pity but if im not with people in depressed and unhappy.. im not sure any of this really makes sense to anyone but me.. but to be honest im scared for myself and my mental satbility.. maybe being alone is what i need..

im glad my parents are gone because now i can handle my problems the way i want to without them to yell at me..

<3 im soaking everything in kerosene.. [not just everyones high society]
break a heart
08:57pm 29/06/2009
  i know that i can be strong for myself but sometimes it just gets to be too hard. ive proven to myself taht i can be independent so i know that im capable.. but from time to time i just wish i could fall and have someone else pick up the pieces.. that hasnt happened since the first time that joel was at my hosue and my parents were arguing in the basement and no matter how loud we turned the tv up we could still hear them fighting.. thats when i sneaked into the back hall to grab his shoes and we crawled out of my front porch window into the safetly of the night so i could totally collapse into his arms. matt never really gave me that option because i was too busy being neglected.. and roe doesnt really know how to handle much when it comes to me. im sure that if he could take away my pain he could but i think that hes realized that he cant and thats pretty much why hes given up on me. i know that friends are there to help pick up all the peices but theres is only so much that they can do. they cant welcome you with teddy bear arms of undying cuddliness.. it just doesnt work that way... they can hug you all they want but it will never beat the ability to completely fall apart in the arms of someone you love. i know my best friend loves me. i dont doubt that for a minute... but to let her see me not be strong kills me inside even though she truely knows how i feel.

my mind needs to stop its thinking and smell the roses while it still can. roe told me i should take advantage of the fact tht i dont work until thursday.. and do what excatly? cause im not about to party my nights away like a drunken trollop.. im not gonna lie.. i thought that being without him was going to be easy.. but its not.. i did depend on him. but being with him wasnt really easy either.. idk. i thought that i hit rock bottom a few weeks ago.. but i think today just brought a whole new meaning to the term.

im so scared that with my surgery being in 17 days that im going to be so emotionally fucked its not even funny because of the fact that im so used to being active all the time.. and i dont deal with pain well.. and honestly.. without someone to totally collapse into.. i dont know what to do. it takes someone ectremely special to be able to be that vulnerable in front of. and as outgoing as i am.. i dont like to bring myself there until i can totally trust that person... <3
break a heart